SSBB High
by Hedgehog of Time
Summary: Zelda is the Queen Bee at SSBH, but a sorry excuse for a human being. The Link comes. Link, the new kid with a dark past. At first Zelda only wants him as a tool, but then her feelings grow into something more. Read and review. Rated T for violence, swearing and some mild suggestive content. HIATUS!
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: New Student

**(Zelda's Point of View) **

My name is Zelda Harkinian. I attend Super Smash Brothers High. Until recently I was the Queen-Bee, most popular girl with a clique of mean girls, head cheerleader, and my boyfriend Marth was the most popular guy in school. I was, pardon my french, a real bitch. I picked on less popular girls who only wanted to fit in, and laughed when their hopes were crushed. Looking back I can fully appreciate what a monster I was. I probably would have stayed that way if I had never met him.

You haven't heard of Super Smash Brothers High? It's a school for kids with bizarre powers. I for instance can throw fire balls, encase myself in a crystal, and teleport short distances. Marth, my boyfriend at the time had energy manipulation that manifested as light energy. Our principal Ganondorf is Superman-level strong and has dark-magic to boot.

I'm getting off topic. I spent my freshman, sophomore, and junior year establishing my reputation as the bitch Prom-Queen and planned on carrying it into my senior year. But my plans got tossed out the window when he came.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 000000000000000000

September 7th. I breezed into first period in wearing my purple mini-skirt, white blouse, and black tie. All the guys stared at me because, while I'm not big chested like Samus, an enemy of mine, but I have a natural beauty that I refuse to pollute with make-up. I sat down in the front row in between my boyfriend Marth and my best friend Peach. Peach is obsessed with the color pink and boys, clothes, and kittens. She's the kind of girl that, if you blew in her ear, she would thank you for the refill. Her power was the power to heal. Marth had navy blue hair, almost feminine features, and had his sword strapped to his belt.

"Attention class!" cried our teacher, Mr. Lucario, a dog-like creature with physic powers, "We have a new student joining us today. He is a senior, and quite handsome from what I hear, so watch out ladies!" the class gave an obligatory chuckle. Mr. Lucario walked over to the door and opened it a crack. "Come in please." he said and walked back to his desk at the front of the room. The door opened, and he walked in.

All the girls, and one or two boys, caught their breath. The boy at the front of the room looked like a storybook prince. He was a bit taller than Marth, who was 5'7, and had blonde hair and blue eyes. His eyes, those were frightening things. They were shaped like a wolf's and seemed to pierce your own and reach your very heart. He was well muscled, but not grossly so like our gym teacher Captain Falcon. He wore a white T-shirt with a blue wolf on it, a green jacket, blue jeans, and a green beanie. Across his back was a beautiful hand-and-a-half broadsword and a shield. But what caught my attention was his expression. While he wore a smile, it seemed almost rehearsed. His eyes told a very different story than his mouth. His eyes boasted an ancient smoldering rage that required only a tiny spark to turn it into an inferno.

"Well sir," said Mr. Lucario politely, "Please state for the class your name and power"

He took his sweet time coming to that, allowing his eyes to sweep over each of us, meeting everyone in the eye. No one could hold his gaze for more than a few seconds, until he got to me. I looked him right in the eye, and held it for ten seconds. Inside those eyes was a haunted soul and a past full of grief, anger, and shame. After ten seconds I could bear it no longer, and looked away.

Satisfied at last, he turned to the class and spoke. "My name is Link Arcturus Gaiden. To my friends I'm Link and to my enemies I'm, and I quote, "That god-damned son of a whore." Call me whichever you prefer." This was stated in a voice that was both stoic and challenging at the same time. This guy had a major chip on his shoulder and was daring anyone to flick it off. "As for powers, I'm stronger, faster, and have better reflexes than any human. In addition I have magic power which I can concentrate through my sword."

"Alright," said Mr. Lucario patiently, "Now how about you tell us about yourself." Link shot him a questioning glance and Mr. Lucario elaborated by saying, "What you like, what you hate, and your plans for the future."

Link thought it over for a moment and said, "I like lots of things, same answer for hates, and I don't fee l like telling you my plans for the future." He moved to sit down in the back.

"That's not fair!" said Marth indignantly. "He just dodged the questions! We all had to answer the questions and all he did was avoid them!"

"I know!" said Samus from the back. "I like this guy's style." She offered her fist to Link. "Power brother." she said and Link fist-bumped her.

"Oh go to hell freak." I said to her.

"Oh what's wrong princess? Daddy only buy you one Mercedes this year?" asked Samus in a sarcastic voice.

"Why don't you go to hell and join your mommy!" I shouted at her. There was a silence in the room, then the popular kids began to laugh with me.

Link looked at Samus. "Is this true?" he asked "Are you an orphan?" She nodded wordlessly. In a blink of an eye, Link had me by the collar looking me in the eye. His eyes gave off an almost predatory look. "A word to the wise, never mention an orphan's parents, or you will know pain. I'm letting you off with a warning, but next time..." he let his words sink in and he released me. There was a shivering moment of silence, then all of the ones that the popular kids had labeled "freaks" applauded. Even Mr. Lucario flashed him a thumbs-up. I was outraged that they would let him attack me like that and let him get away Scott free! Link smiled a genuine smile this time and sat down next to Samus. Marth made a move to get up, but I held him back. I didn't want Marth to get suspended, and besides, I liked a challenge. This guy would be good to have on our side in the tournament. It might take time, but I was determined to use my womanly charms on this guy and recruit him to our side.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 000000000000000000

That day at lunch I and the other popular kids sat in our usual spot. I sat at the edge of the group and waited for Link to come to the cafeteria. While I waited, I told the others my idea to get Link on our side.

"Why would we need another one on our team? We've got plenty of firepower as it is." said Marth.

"Yeah, I think our current strength his enough." agreed Ike.

I shook my head. "Have you forgotten how we lost Sheik to college last year?" I hissed. "This Link guy has serious talent and if he fights for the freaks than this could be their year!"

"You just want to sleep with him." said Daisy bluntly. Marth's face grew red with fury and mine got red with indignation.

"I do not!" I cried. "I just think he could be a valuable addition to our team!"

"Really, then I want him." said Daisy adopting a sultry look.

"Once he's with us he's yours." I growled, "But I can get him with us."

"Well here's your chance." said Ike pointing at the cafeteria entrance. Sure enough, Link was walking in, his tray laden with food. I slipped out of my chair and sashayed over to him.

"Hi there," I said in a seductive tone when I got over to him. All he did to acknowledge my presence was grunt and kept moving. I cut in front of him and leaned back against a table. "You know, I'm willing to forgive you for the way you treated me in first period today. We can be great friends you know." I said walking two fingers up his chest. Link raised an eyebrow.

"Sorry Zelda, but I don't want to be friends or otherwise with you. If you were to apologize to Samus than maybe we could start something. Until then, bye." said Link curtly, and walked away. I was shocked. Never before had a guy walked away from me like that. It made me furious, and Daisy and Peach's laughter only made things worse. But then I felt something else. Something I had not felt before: heartache. That was when I knew that I felt something for Link.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Alliances

**(Link's Point of View)**

Walking away from Zelda was probably the hardest thing I had ever done. But I knew I had to, because I knew we could never go anywhere relationship-wise while she was such a selfish bitch. The thing was, I knew she was more than that. Part of my powers was the power to see souls when I wished. Her soul was black and warped by greed, vanity, and cruelty. But deep in there, there was another Zelda. Bright, vibrant, beautiful, that was the Zelda I had fallen in love with. I had made it my mission to make that seed grow before the black parasite killed it. He knew that if he could do that, then a new Zelda would emerge. A kind, gentle, loving Zelda. Trouble was, Link had a long running streak of bringing out the worst in people, not the best in them.

"Yo noob!" cried Samus. I turned towards her voice. She was wearing a tight blue blouse and painted on jeans. Sitting with her were a brown haired boy wearing a white cotton shirt and white shorts and toting a pair of wings on his back, a red haired guy with a blue no sleeved shirt and blue jeans, a green dinosaur and a pink marshmallow thing. "Come on bro, sit with us." I shrugged and sat between the green dinosaur and the pink marshmallow, directly across from Samus who was flanked by the winged boy in white and the red-head. She grinned at me. "Quite the company we've got huh?" she said. "The ginger is Roy. He's pyrokinetic and a sword slinger, like you. Angel boy can fly, obviously, and has light magic and fights with a bow that he can separate into two short swords."

"Name is Pit by the way." said the Angel, a goofy grin on his face.

"Me Yoshi!" said the dinosaur happily.

"Yoshi can and will eat anything." said Samus. "The marshmallow is Kirby, and he can swallow people and absorb their power's temporarily."

"Wuu!" said Kirby. I smiled and chuckled. We we're a strange group indeed.

"We saw you turn down Zelda back there, nice going bud." said Pit.

"Yeah, It's no easy feat to turn her down. Although next time, could you just sleep with her and get us her underwear?" asked Roy. Samus gave both of them a slap on the back of the head.

"You'll have to forgive Roy and Pit." she said. "They're both immature perverts."

"Hey!" cried Pit "We prefer the term sexual enterprisers!"

"Is that even a word?" I asked.

"Well this computer seems to think it isn't" said Pit which earned him another slap from Samus.

"No breaking the fourth wall!" she growled.

"So Link," said Roy changing the subject, "will you be with us in the tournament?"

I furrowed his brow. "Tournament?" I asked. They all looked at me in shock."

"You no know about tournament?" asked Yoshi in a stunned voice. "It big event here."

"Yeah." said Samus. "Didn't they tell you about it during orientation?" I shook my head. "Well," began Samus, "at the end of the year there is a huge tournament of six-man teams. Last team standing wins."

"What do you win?" I asked.

"Honor, respect, and two-thousand dollars a-pop." answered Pit leaning back in his seat. I was speechless.

"Is the school's principal a zillionaire?!" I exclaimed

"We don't know where he get's it, but he always has the money." said Samus. "So, are you in?"

"Hell yeah." I grinned. Then the bell rang. I stood and said, "Who do we have next?" I asked.

Samus looked down at her schedule. "We have gym with a Mr..."

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 000000000000000000

"I AM CAPTAIN FALCON! CAPTAIN! FUCKING! _**FALCON!**_" roared our gym teacher, a guy in a blue skintight jumpsuit worn not as a fashion statement, but rather a way of showing off his muscles. In addition to the jumpsuit, he wore a red helmet with a golden eagle at the front. "FIRST RULE OF FALCON'S CLASS, _**RESPECT THE FALCON**_! RULE NUMBER TWO, _**RESPECT THE FUCKING FALCON!"**_ I sighed. This guy was a nut plain and simple. Instead of listening to his insane ravings I looked around at my classmates. Samus, Roy, and Pit were all there in addition to a guy who looked half fox half human, and half man half wolf. Marth and Zelda were both there as well, Zelda shooting him flirty looks and Marth giving him hateful looks. Entered his spirit sight mode to view their souls. Marth's was as I had left it. Zelda's on the other hand, was it just my imagination, or was that tiny seed of good a little bit bigger?

I was jolted from these thoughts by the Gym teachers words. "ALRIGHT MAGGOTS! GIVE ME TWELVE LAPS!" I groaned. It was going to be a very long class.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 000000000000000000

After school, I went to my dorm, the place I would be living in for then next nine months. I took my key out of my pocket and opened the door. Inside, the room was carpeted with gray carpet, a window, to beds, a shelf over each and a chest of drawers at the head of each. The one by the bathroom entrance was occupied by my roommate. I recognized him as one of the "popular" crowd. He was taller than Marth and stronger by the look of him. He wore a gray shirt and khaki shorts, the broadsword he fought with was leaning against the bed post. There was a bandana at the root of his navy blue hair.

When I entered the room, he had been reading something called _Eon: Dragoneye Reborn_. He looked up from his reading and raised his head a bit to acknowledge my presence.

"Your the newbie eh?" I nodded. He looked back down at his book. "So you really tried to kill Zelda eh?"

"I didn't try to kill her," I replied. "I just threatened her."

He nodded, never looking up from his book. "Name's Ike by the way. Don't judge me by Marth. Just because I fit in doesn't mean I'm cruel." I nodded. So this guy was a "moderate" popular guy. He was big on the social scene but he was no bully. Just to be sure, I peeked at his spirit. It was dark blue-gray. The color of the sea just before a storm. This guy was a warrior, plain and simple. Brave courageous and loyal. I smiled, knowing that him and I would get along famously.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 000000000000000000

About ten minutes later, after I had finished unloading my various junk, I took out my ocarina and began to play. My ocarina is the only thing I have left of my parents, the last memento they gave me before they died.

"You like music?" asked Ike. I was surprised because Ike had been all but silent the whole time I had been unpacking.

"Depends on the music I suppose." I said with a shrug.

"What music does Samus like?" he asked. I looked up at him and frowned.

"We haven't really discussed music when we hang out." I replied.

Ike put his book down and looked at me intently. "So your not that close?"

I grinned. "You like her don't you?" I asked.

Ike glowered at me. "Maybe, whats it to ya." he growled.

"I can help you get close to her, not for free of course." I said, my evil grin spreading.

"What's your price?" asked Ike leaning against the wall, his hostility fading but not his suspicion.

"Details on Zelda's personal life." I said adjusting myself to match his position.

Ike nodded. "So we each play stalker for the others' love interest. Not a bad arrangement. Shake on it?" he said.

"Warriors' hand shake." I said grabbing my sword. A grin slowly spread across Ike's face, and he grasped the hilt of his sword. We both stood and faced each other. I made a cut in my right hand because I was left handed, and Ike made a small incision in his left. We shook with our wounded hands allowing the blood to mix. The pact had now been sealed, and we would both honor it as warriors. Not a single word was spoken the rest of the night.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 000000000000000000

I prayed that the dream would not come that night, but it did. Again I saw my father dangling from the rope and the flames licking and devouring my mother. Again I was powerless to save them, as the shadow's closed in around me.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Progress

**(Zelda's POV)**

Peach's alarm clock was set to blast sugary pop music at seven o'clock A.M so loud it probably woke bears hibernating in China, so needless to say I didn't have one myself. That morning it was One Direction's _**What Makes You Beautiful.**_ I groaned in exhaustion__and literally rolled out of bed onto the carpeted floor. Peach was on her bed singing into a hairbrush while I lay face-down on the floor trying to ignore her tone deaf voice. I loved Peach like a sister, but she could not sing for the life of her. With no small amount of effort of will I stood and went to the bathroom. Peach noticed this way to late and rushed to the bathroom to stop me from getting there first. The title of "First Bathroom Goer" was a coveted position in our dorm room, and I had gotten it first.

"Zelda! How could you! You know I need time to do my makeup!" she wailed in anguish. I opened the door, tossed her makeup kit out, and slammed it shut. Ignoring Peach's insults I turned to the mirror, grabbed my comb and brushed it. I take great pride in my hair. It's that one hue of brown that makes it look both normal and rare at the same time. I left the bathroom and Peach rushed in.

"Bitch!" she cried as she passed by. I rolled my eyes and changed out of my purple pajamas and into a white T-shirt with Victoria's Secret logo and slightly faded Levi's. Suddenly I paused, and caught myself thinking, What_ would Link like?_ I was shocked at this. Normally

I only dressed based on what would get me the most attention, not on how one person thought. But I couldn't help but think on his opinion of me as I made my way to breakfast in the dining hall. He made it clear that he didn't think much of me at all, but why not? I was smart, beautiful, and rich; what else could he possibly want? I acknowledged the fact that I was attracted to him, and not just because of his obvious physical merits and his lone wolf attitude. He was the only male in school who refused to give me the time of day, and I was intrigued by this. I wanted to know what made him tick, and what made my heart beat fast when I was around him as well.

The room was a-buzz with conversation as I entered the dining hall. Kids were discussing homework, tests, lighting each other on fire, the usual crap that went on at SSBH. I got in line for breakfast, my mouth watering at the sizzling bacon and sausage in their pans, but I opted for prudence. A body like mine needed maintenance and loving care if it was to stay the way it was. So I only got one sausage and one piece of bacon, but got plenty of oatmeal.

"Hey princess, let's hurry it up could ya." said a bored voice behind me. I whirled around in outrage, caught my breath, for Link stood behind me, but he was dressed very differently from yesterday. He wore a tight, muscle hugging black v-neck that provided a tantalizing view of his collar-bones and ripped at the knees Levi's and his tawny-gold hair was mussed up and unruly. The overall impression was the I-just-rolled-out-of-some-girl's-bed look that so many guys tried so hard to achieve, yet Link seemed to pull off with no effort whatsoever.

Ok so I have eyeballs, sue me.

To tell you the truth, that was the kind of look that sent my heart beating like a humming bird on meth. To bad Marth could only go for the whole sensitive-guy look.

I shook my head. No matter how sexy I found this guy I couldn't lose my composure. "Make me," I said in a voice that was both sultry and challenging at the same time.

Link shrugged. "Ok" said he said and pushed past me to the biscuits. I simply stood there for a moment, stunned beyond words at Link's rudeness. A moment later I began to tremble with fury. "Hey!" I shouted at him. Link turned in my direction, still looking bored and annoyingly attractive. "You've got some real spores cutting in front of me," I growled. The students around us grew quiet and began to watch intently, hoping for some kind of battle of wit and vigor.

Link smiled a little half smile. "Would you like to see them first hand?" I was speechless. One minute he was threatening me, the next he was dissing me, and now he was flirting with me?! What was with this guy? Link winked at me and walked to his seat with Samus and her gang. After a few moments, I finally realized what had just happened; he had made fun of me. I stalked to my table in a black rage, my mind cursing Link and my heart pining over him.

I was surprised that Ike sat next to me. Ike was a popular kid, but he was also not one to join in our games of cruelty, something none of us popular kids could understand.

"Hey Zelda," he said stoicly. I gave him the creeped out look. "I'm thinking about buying some music for a female friend of mine. Any suggestions?"

"Um, well I personally like stuff like AC/DC or Dragonforce. But-"

"That's great, and if I were to take her to a movie what would be good?" pressed Ike.

"Like now?" I questioned. Ike gave a curt nod. "Well I think "Iron Man 3" would be good one to see, or-"

"That's all I need to know." said Ike cutting me off. He bent over his eggs and began to eat. I rolled my eyes thinking that was the end of it, but I was soon proven wrong.

"So Zelda, how are the folks?" he asked casually. I stiffened for my parents were a forbidden topic amongst my friends.

"Is there any reason why your interrogating me? Marth may not appreciate-"

"I'm just being curious that's all. Marth is a dude not a chick no matter how much he looks the part." said Ike biting into a biscuit.

"I really don't want to talk about-"

"Attention mindless drones" said Mr. Bowser, the Vice Principal, "don't move, don't breathe, don't even think! The Principal wishes to speak!" Sure enough, as soon as he was done talking, Principal Ganondorf, black armor and all stepped into the lunch room. He was seven feet tall, wore black armor, and had a white two-handed broadsword strapped to his back. He had dark skin and blazing red hair, and a permanent sneer on his face.

"Now now children, I have a rather important announcement to make." he said in a voice that put James Earl Jones to shame. I kept expecting to put on a Darth Vader helmet and say _Luke, I am your father._ Or something along those lines. "We have been graced with a visit from Lord Admiral General Emperor God King: Shigeru Miyamoto." There was a collected gasp in the lunchroom, for Shigeru Miyamoto was Lord and master of the nation of Nintendo. "Yes, so I want all of you little inbred bastards to be on your best behavior these next few days, or else." with a crocodile smile, he left the room.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000000

**(Link's P.O.V)**

It was a long day considering all the teachers had turned into drill sergeants in preparation for the God-King's arrival. We spent most of our classes cleaning the school. Once all this went down, and we were in our dorms recovering from the physical trauma, Ike and I were able to swap info.

"...and she likes Skillet." I finished my report on Samus. It had actually been easy to get info out of her, probably because I was the first creature with a Y chromosome to show interest in something other than her breasts. "OK, now you go."

Ike cleared his throat an lay down on his bed. "Well, she's into AC/DC, superhero flicks, cats, doesn't take no shit from anybody, and there's tension with her and her parents." I nodded this was stuff I could use to get that little seed to grow. "Anyway, I'm tired,. Night night."

"See ya tomorrow." I replied and lay down myself. Tomorrow would prove to be an interesting day.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Responsibility

_**(Link's P.O.V)**_

I walked into the Sex Ed. Classroom alongside Ike who I'd become pretty tight with. The classroom was structured like a highly funded science lab with stations for two partners each. The others were all just mulling around talking, arguing, freezing or eating each other, the usual crap. I spied Zelda sitting on a stool with Marth nearby, the girl looking thoughtful and Marth looking like another male dog had stepped into his territory, and he was looking right at me. I smirked at him and he flipped me the bird.

"Man, he really hates you." remarked Ike dryly

I grinned. "I have a habit of making guy's with girlfriends hate me."

Ike chuckled. "Well, that makes two of us." we both had a good long laughed and milled their way into the crowd. It was another five minutes before our teacher showed up. But when he did, he entered with a bang, literally. The back wall exploded, and in walked Professor Medic from Team Fortress 2.

"Alright my little non enemies whom I would never torture and kill maliciously," said the Professor in a German accent while adjusting his goggle-like glasses. "I am Medic, your sexual education teacher. Now everyone SIT THE FUCK DOWN AND SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I FEED YOU TO MY PET PIGEON ARCHEMIDIES!" Needless to say we all sat down in a hurry. Medic pushed his glasses further up his nose. "Now listen up my little guinea pig test sub- I mean students. I'm not going to stand up here and preach abstinence to you because on the whole, sex is pretty awesome. Of course the only thing remotely close I've had to sex is masturbation because no girl wants to touch a PUFFED UP GERMAN PSYCHOPATH LIKE ME!" As quickly as his anger came it left. "So instead you are going to endure the consequences of teen sex. Link and Zelda please step forward." My eyes immediately went to the beautiful brunette who met my gaze. By unspoken mutual consent we knew what to do.

"Anyone but her!" I cried.

"Sorry." said Medic, "But this is a Zelink fanfiction and this is the most hilarious way the author could think to make it happen. CONGRATULATIONS! YOU TWO ARE HAVING A BABY!"

We both stared at him without blinking, not really sure what to make of his words. He was obviously insane, but what did he mean by us having a baby? Did he expect us too...

"I know what your twisted teenage minds are thinking," he said holding up his hands defensively "and no I'm not going to have you do "the nasty", one we'd get sued and two we don't have nine months. So that's where I bring in "DR. MEDIC'S FANTABULOUS CONTRAPTION OF EXCELLENCE!"" He clapped his hands and and a machine dropped down from the ceiling in a cascade of plaster. It was a bulky thing about the size of a small house. There were three pods, a red one, a blue one, and a little yellow one between the two. "Alrighty, Link get in the blue pod and Zelda get in the red one. We'll harvest your D.N.A and make a baby!"

We were both silent for a long minute until Zelda finally said, "Can you pinpoint the exact moment that you went insane?"

"Three weeks ago I woke up married to a pineapple." his face twisted into a grimace. "An ugly pineapple." he then sighed dreamily "Ah, but I loved her."

"Okay, you and your wife have fun while I call my lawyer." said Zelda pulling out a cell phone.

"HEAVY!" cried the Medic. With a crash a giant, fat, bald, Russian guy dressed in red and black holding a giant gun fell through the ceiling.

"I am Heavy weapons guy." said he in a Russian accent. "And this is my weapon, Sasha." He leveled his gun at Zelda. "Now put phone away and get in red pod." Zelda very slowly put down her phone and slid off her stool. She backed away slowly with her hands up and into the pod which immediately closed. Sweat was pouring down my brow. Have a kid?! I wasn't ready to be a father! I had so much ahead of me! I couldn't just throw that down the crapper! Heavy pointed his gun at me. "Now little man!" he thundered. My legs trembling I entered the blue dome which closed behind me with finality of an executioner's ax.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000000000

(Ike's P.O.V)

I watched my friend walk into the pod like a condemned man. Frankly I couldn't blame him knowing that I would soon suffer that same fate myself. Link and Zelda were going to be parents, to the same kid.

This was going to be hilarious.

"First!" said Medic. "We harvest the sperm." He whipped a remote out of nowhere and pressed a blue button. The blue pod that contained Link glowed for a moment, then there was a suction sound, and Link half yelped half screamed. The pod opened and Link fell out clutching his groin groaning and cursing. "Congratulations Lucas!"

"Link." I corrected.

"Whatever." said the medic with a dismissive wave of his hand. "Anyway, your sperm has been collected!"

"I NOTICED!" screamed Link.

"Oh this is so going on Youtube." laughed Samus behind me. I turned to see her holding up her camera recording the whole thing. Despite the insanity of the situation, I couldn't help but find Samus alluring as always. The spell of her beauty was broken when Heavy barreled up to her and smashed her phone in a total rip off of the Falcon Punch.

"NO PHONES LITTLE GIRLY-GIRL!" he roared in his thick Russian accent. Samus just frowned at him slightly.

_**(One scene of unimaginable violence later.)**_

The Heavy screamed in pain as he laid on the ground in a pool of his own blood. "MY RIB! GONE!" he sobbed as we all stared in horror.

"Oh don't be such a baby, ribs grow back!" said Medic cheerily. "No they don't." he whispered to the student next to him. "Now!" he cried whipping out his remote again. "Prepare to have a baby Zandy!"

"Zelda," I corrected.

"Whatever." he said rolling his eyes.

"Are you sure this is safe?" asked Zelda from inside the pod.

"It's not just safe!" enthused Medic, "It's forty percent safe!"

"Are you sure this will work?" asked Link nervously

"HaHaHA, I have no idea!" He pressed the big red button and the red pod began to glow. Suddenly, we heard the unmistakeable sound of bloodcurdling screams coming from Zelda within the pod.

"Um, sir, why is Zelda screaming?" asked Marth nervously. "And what is Zelink?"

"Well," said Medic cheerily, "Zelink is a shipping term for Link and Zelda. It's like Brangelina and apparently it's really popular with the fangirls. As for why she is screaming, all the females have to go through labor." Everyone stared at the guy while Zelda's screams continued.

"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!" screamed Samus. "YOU ARE FUCKING INSANE YOU BLOODY PSYCHOPATH!"

Suddenly there was a microwave ding and the red pod stopped glowing. Zelda's screams of pain were replaced by sobs and moans of pain. The pod opened and Zelda fell out clutching her stomach. "Now Melba." he began

"Zelda!" corrected us all in a single yell.

"WHATEVER!" cried Medic. "I'm writing a book on pain so tell me, honestly, how do you feel." Zelda began to sob piteously. Link rushed over and picked her up bridal style as she moaned in pain. "Fascinating." said Medic jotting down some notes. "Now!" he proclaimed putting his notepad away. "BEHOLD YOUR OFFSPRING!" There was another microwave ding, and the yellow pod snapped open. The wails of an infant filled the room. Zelda stopped her sobs and turned to look at the source of the wails. Inside was a tiny crying baby with blonde baby duck down for hair. Zelda slid out of Link's arms and walked over to the pod to the nude baby followed closely by the father.

(Zelda's )

I could only stare at the baby, _my_ baby lying in the yellow pod. My entire life had been changed all because of a psycho Medic and his Russian friend. Link passed he and grabbed the baby underneath the armpits and held it up in front of his face. The baby stopped crying and opened it's eyes looking at it's father. It smiled a smile that made my heart hurt and started to giggle.

"It-It's a boy, AND WHAT A BOY!" enthused Link.

"Actually Lucien," said Medic

"IT'S LINK YOU IDIOT!" everyone yelled causing the baby to start crying again.

"WHATEVER!" retaliated Medic. "Anyway, that's the remains of the umbilical cord, it's a girl."

"Oh," said Link. Medic handed Link some blankets to wrap the girl in, and soon he was cooing over it like a little lost puppy. "I'm going to call you Bingo!" The girl had obviously inherited my power of fire manipulation and she obviously thought her father was an absolute moron, also like her mother, so she blasted fire out her mouth. When the scarlet flames had cleared Link's hair had been blasted back and his eyebrows singed clean off. "Bad Bingo." he growled.

"Give her to me you moron." I snapped, snatching my baby from his arms. "Don't listen to your father sweetheart." I said in my one nice voice. The entire class leaned forward to see me vulnerable, a rare sight indeed. "Your name is Fara after your dear Grandmother."

"Well, this has been sweet but OUR NEXT COUPLE NEEDS TO HAVE THEIR BABY!" as Medic was yelling this the door swung open.

"Hello everyone my name is God-King Shigeru Miamoto and-"

"YOUR NOT WELCOME HERE!" screamed Medic.

"You dare insult a God!" roared Miamoto drawing a Lightsaber.

"I'M NOT MADE BY NINTENDO! NOW GET OUT! WE'RE MAKING BABIES!" bellowed the Medic.

Shigeru blinked once and walked out of the room. "Now next, IKE AND SAMUS!"


End file.
